Bleeding Tears, Lonely Nights

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The.Opposite.Of.Claustrophobia... Hiding in that deep dark corner...

Since the eclipse... or actually the day after... I've been feeling much differeny... Been actually wishing that the snake hiding right there in the bushes were to come out and bite me(quote dad "hey jon, careful on you're way back from work, theres a big black snake in the bushes on the way back. its either a cobra or python, both are poisonous')... mental note... once again... I'd made someone cry again... and for what?... a stupid joke... geez... somehow... somewhere... everything I do upsets people... its getting damn sickening right about now... past few days I also been thinking about other stuff... namely..

family

-hmmn... well I won't say i have a bad family... and almost all my friends will tell you i have a really bad one... hmmn.. ok.. just like a spoilt brat... heres me listing out why they're bad

>>they never let me lock any door(including the toilet doors[I even got scolded for doing so.. geez..])

>>my allowance is pathetic... and i cant ask for anymore money cos... (quote both my parents at some point or another "you don't need it... as far as I'm concerned... you only need enough for school, transport and food."[purposely leaving out jonne-time])

>>I never have ANY privacy... no one knows how to knock... and they barge in as and when they like...

>>I'm never let to go out more than a few hours if not for school or work(e.g out at 3 back by 6[train to orchard and back])... this is why i never let them know when I will return... "mom I'm going.. bye... * rampage out the door*"

>>they always make fun of stuff I do... and when i ask them politely to stop.. they do it more... then tell me its "part and parcel" of life

>>they like to act "high-class"... always pretend to be so well-mannered and stuff like that... untill its unnatural... and then tell me I should make it natural...

>>they never let me talk properly... always interrupting in my third word or something like that...

*the list actually goes on but I just can't think right now...

so in conclusion its like prison at my house... I prefer to be out... and In my opinion... the only people from my family I really consider family... are some of my cousins... and my brother...


me

-well... what about me?... geez... I feel extremely disloyal dispite all my efforts to try my best to be loyal... I'm a natural born liar... and I'm so used to it now... the lies just stack and stack and stack... I've betrayed all of my friends at least once... each... and they're still my friends... which is why they don't really deserve a friend like me...

-I'm also a real bastard... like the jokes I make... about people and others... ya sure... people do laugh... but then someone always gets upset... I even made someone cry again... geez... I feel like a real jerk...


when I'm gone

-well.. this isn't new actually... thinking about death has kinda become a really uniform thing for me now anyway... why I should die(stated above as well as others),how I'll die, who will be affected,the impact on my friends...


her

-... welcome to one of the longest standing thoughts in my head... Its always a wonderful feeling being with someone you love... a feeling I have yet to or may never feel... Have you ever felt as if she was the only one you are unable to please?... unable to make happy?... So much time waiting... and according to several other people, so much time wasted... to me it wasn't wasted... shes really well worth it all... but the problem is... I can never make her happy... everytime i talk to her... it seems i make her feel worse... about herself... about everyone around... if love is really all about wanting to make someone happy... then I have kinda really... failed... badly... I'm always thinking... the perfect ending... I picture myself standing over some ledge... ready to jump... and she will be somewhere behind me... maybe trying to stop me... then I'll fall... head first... and as I fall I'll wonder... will she miss me?... will she finally be happy when I'm gone?... I did always make her unhappy after all... perhaps dying would be the only way she'd return my feelings... it would really solve so many problems... wouldn't it?... yet.. I'm such a coward... I know I don't dare to do it... so I wish it'd happen somehow... by accident perhaps... quickly and suddenly... this is the end of my entry for today... my eyes are blurry... yet no tears seem to flow... they've just stopped flowing so long ago...

12:12 a.m. - 2006-09-14

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next